Why Bread is Bad For You – And Its Connection to Felons. Featured Image

pane all'uovo
Creative Commons License photo credit: fugzu


As a CrossFit trainer who advocates the Paleo diet I constantly get questions about why bread is bad for you. “WHAT!? No BREAD? What do you eat???” Is the typical response I get when I tell people to drop it. As if the world was about to end and their dreams crushed, they ask out of desperation for an explanation… why?? Why is it so bad?


Now typically I would then dive into how it elevates your sugar levels so much due to its glycemic load, and how it screws up your hormones such as insulin and has absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever. That got boring, and seemed to get lost in the rationalizing wanting to eat bread minds of most. So, now I offer them research and statistics. Here are some I have found on the web about bread:


Bread is Bad: Statistics and Proof


1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.


2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.


3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.


4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.


5. Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!


6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and osteoporosis.


7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.


8. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.


9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.


10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.


11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.


12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.


How to Avoid Bread and Its Effects:


In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:


1. No sale of bread to minors.


2. A nationwide “Just Say No To Toast” campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.


3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.


4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.


5. The establishment of “Bread-free” zones around schools.